The doors open
and there's a thunder in his eyes
and a splendor in his heart
and a mania in his mind
The world stands in awe...
Don't really remember what inspired this one. I found it on the back of my assignment for a class in ordinary differential equations. I think it might've been partially inspired by my one friend who was diagnosed with bipolar. He had to take a semester off, and he came to me to talk to about his problems and ask advice about taking that semester off.
Developed quite a fascination with bipolar after talking to him. Feels somewhat similar to my fascination for autism. I'm fascinated with how the mind is capable of having superhuman abilities, although often at the price of some disbalance.
My bipolar friend told me that he would often get really sad, sometimes thinking about suicide, and then at other times he would reach some sort of maniacal level where he'd be extremely inspired to do mental and physical tasks. For example, he ran this ridiculous distance extremely fast. Can't recall the exact dimensions, but I remember being amazed.
He took a semester off to start taking meds, and keep a rigorous schedule (lots of physical activity, a strict diet, studying ahead) with the aid of his psychologist to help keep him stuck to some routine while adjusting to his meds. He's now doing great, has stabilized, and is getting better marks than me. I'm extremely happy about this, but I'm still worried. His dad also had some sort of mental illness, and is now in some sort of mental hospital. Hopefully he can maintain the stability he's achieved and not drop off.
I just had a chat with another friend (not bipolar). She told me about someone she knows who got meningitis, and afterwards, became a violent individual involved in gangs and robberies and whatnot. This led to talking about how the "distance" between various behaviours is very small. I guess "distance" here is defined as amount of prodding in the brain.
This discussion, along with the writing of this post also got me thinking about times in the past that I've been sad. It's very periodic, and oftentimes the jump from being depressed to being motivated was shocking, and seemed somewhat fucked up. Sometimes I'd be so down, and then I'd just rise up immediately, become very motivated, and happy and work away really hard or be optimistic about the future. I would then proceed to fall back down again.
This led me to think a number of things. Firstly, I noticed that that periodic happy-sad behaviour with shocking switches seems analogous to extremely mild bipolar. Then, remembering my discussion with my friend, it made me think that perhaps we all touch on bipolar to some degree when we get affected by depression.
I then remembered my mentor (someone to write about another time as I really enjoy her personality) telling me that social science for the most part is bogus (too many complex factors, I think was her reason), which I'm inclined to agree after having seen a good amount of pseudo-scientific psychology papers, (not to mention appealing to the authority of my mentor [I realize this is one of them catalogued logical fallacies, but it still does add a degree of confidence {I also realize that I love messily organized sentence structures with nested brackets because it makes me think of programming and logical hierarchies}]).
Remembering this discouraged my further thought into the bog that is psychology (this interests me because it reminds me of a conversation with non-bipolar friend about philosophy being a bog [seems like an awfully tangled, interconnected web {which reminds me of non-bipolar friend once talking about how her mind often consists of a web of interconnected questions accompanied with a healthy dose of overanalyzation <which reminds me AGAIN of the bog that is psychology || ad infinitum...WE'VE ACHIEVED A STRANGE LOOP || > } ] ).
So yes, the results of this meandering, sometimes finitely regressing, sometimes infinitely regressing discussion is that:
1. Me thinking about complex topics goes in circles.
2. Strange loops are awesome and everyone should definitely know about them and how they run rampant in the world (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strange_loop). It's incredibly sexy when they appear in mathematics via Godel's Incompleteness theorem. The proof somewhat involves transporting the phrase "this sentences is false" into its analogical counterpart in number theory. This strangely looping statement relates to the liar's paradox which I also strongly recommend checking out. I don't think anything fascinates me and obsesses me more than this stuff.
By the way, speaking of tangled logical hierarchies, and strange loops, I totally realized this stuff makes you feel a bit maniacal when you mentally tumble with it for awhile
which relates back to the title....
which relates back to the poem....
which relates back to the bipolar story...
which relates back to each following sequential piece of the conversation....
which eventually relates back to THIS (woo! self reference!)
which AGAIN relates back to that word (or even THIS)
ad infinitum...
Do you see what I just did there? I just introduced a plethora of strange loops. Even more fascinating is that the strange loop I first introduced earlier involving nested brackets is somehow branching off from the strange loop that we just saw.
The mind map is a truly beautiful thing, giving blossom to infinities and infinities of infinities when you go looking, or, if you prefer a less flowery, more gory description (since the brain really is a hunk of meat), an apoplexy of infinities.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Whenever I Die
I noticed that very often, tribute pictures are made to individuals who have passed away. Often there's a cross off to one side or something, and the old person's face watermarked on the other, captioned with some fluffy phrase in soft italics. I don't mind that people do that, but I find it very tacky, and don't want my old wrinkled face to be the subject of that silliness.
Hmm, I figure I might donate my body to science. Cheaper than buying a coffin, good for the world. I got the idea from my dad as I remember him in the past stating he'd like to do that. It's a good idea. Of course, I guess it's possible that some loved ones, or perhaps a future wife or something, wouldn't want me to do that, so I'll see how that goes.
Death will be an interesting experience. I'd much prefer to get to choose when to die, however, as opposed to dying of old age, so that I can experience everything I want to. Maybe in the future, we'll be able to cheaply replace organs, or upgrade ourselves with cyborg mechanisms (> 20/20 vision robot eyes, anyone?). I find I'm more afraid of being an old, incapable, halfwit old person, than death itself.
Hmm, I figure I might donate my body to science. Cheaper than buying a coffin, good for the world. I got the idea from my dad as I remember him in the past stating he'd like to do that. It's a good idea. Of course, I guess it's possible that some loved ones, or perhaps a future wife or something, wouldn't want me to do that, so I'll see how that goes.
Death will be an interesting experience. I'd much prefer to get to choose when to die, however, as opposed to dying of old age, so that I can experience everything I want to. Maybe in the future, we'll be able to cheaply replace organs, or upgrade ourselves with cyborg mechanisms (> 20/20 vision robot eyes, anyone?). I find I'm more afraid of being an old, incapable, halfwit old person, than death itself.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Just A Funny Memory
I just remembered something.
They have those popsicles called "itsakadoozie" or something like that. I remember really liking them, and one time being at a concert and asking for one. Never before had I actually had to ask for one. It felt really ridiculous and embarrassing saying "Hi, could I have an itsakadoozie?" Should I just have called it a kadoozie?
They have those popsicles called "itsakadoozie" or something like that. I remember really liking them, and one time being at a concert and asking for one. Never before had I actually had to ask for one. It felt really ridiculous and embarrassing saying "Hi, could I have an itsakadoozie?" Should I just have called it a kadoozie?
Friday, August 5, 2011
A Gemorial
Following are a series of poems that I wrote to vent emotions I had while I was falling for Gem. Each one has a story behind it. I suppose this post is a creepy memorial of sorts, to the feelings I had (well...as of this writing, still have) for her.
-----
Just one more
One more kiss
It's what I'm dying for
The memory of your lips
Bestowed upon me with that one gentle kiss
A gentle brush
In a single instant exploded warm soft bliss
And now all I have is a memory
Potent and strong
Etched clearly across the cloudy convoluted blur of that night
But it's not enough
For the memory is soft
But the want grinds rough
Full of potential are you and I
Proof enough when your lips touched
mine...
------
I wrote this just after the first time we had hung out. I had kissed her at 4:30 in the morning while Slowdive was playing in the background (I can't listen to this band anymore due to the personal emotional impact it delivers). I had been building up my courage all night to kiss her, and I finally did it. It was one of the sweetest, most romantic (at least to me) kisses I had ever had. She later kissed me the next day when I dropped her off. She filled me with just those two kisses such an immense longing, as I have never known. It all climaxed at that point. All my rational, cautious, intelligible observations (discipline, smarts, humour, fun, has her shit straight, kind, etc) regarding her as well as the strong emotions I felt for her crashed together and intertwined so beautifully and rose so high. No one has ever been as amazing as her, in my life.
------
In this humble abode I bide
I sacrifice my energy and time
Idling in this room of antiquities
All so I can merely see her again
So that when I look upon her with my eyes
Maybe she'll look back into mine...
My heart tumbles and twists and contorts
Then the next moment it goldenly soars
For within me rages the immortal battle
In which my hopes and fears clash and unravel
Across the convoluted pathways of my mind
------
I actually wrote this at my friend's house (see previous post), while lying on a couch early in the morning. Her house was a farmhouse, which qualifies as a "humble abode", and the room I was in was full of antiques. I had slept there overnight, merely so I could have another chance to see Gem again, before she took off. I was feeling rather anxious, as I wasn't sure if she was still interested in me (although, she was according to a little bird who had it straight from her). These anxieties clashed in quite the contrasted battle with the happiness from my strong feelings for her. This is expressed in the latter parts of the poem.
------
Whenever I'm with her
All I want to do is kiss her
Take her in my arms and call her mine
And whisper sweet nothings while falling into the earthen emerald depths of her eyes
------
A simpler, but still sweet poem. The description of her eyes as "earthen emeralds", as mentioned in a previous post, is the the basis for her alias "Gem", that I use on this blog. This I also believe I wrote in the room of antiquities.
------
Everytime you look at me
A euphoric zephyr warms my heart
And every time you look away
My heart returns to the icy dark
Because without you life feels stale
...And boring
...And obsolete
But life with you is mesmerizing
...And beautiful
...And complete
-------
I was on campus, walking between classes, and I spontaneously had a surge of emotions for her (perhaps I was texting her or something), so I whipped out my ipod, and wrote it down in a note. This poem simply shows how much of a difference it felt like she was making in my life. We had barely gotten anywhere, I had barely revealed my feelings to her (she knew I liked her, but definitely not this much), and I had already fallen this hard for her. I still can't really fathom it. I wasn't rebounding. I was extremely careful to not let myself get attached senselessly (via rationality and caution), but I came to feeling this strongly. It's fucked up, to put it bluntly.
-----
Just one more
One more kiss
It's what I'm dying for
The memory of your lips
Bestowed upon me with that one gentle kiss
A gentle brush
In a single instant exploded warm soft bliss
And now all I have is a memory
Potent and strong
Etched clearly across the cloudy convoluted blur of that night
But it's not enough
For the memory is soft
But the want grinds rough
Full of potential are you and I
Proof enough when your lips touched
mine...
------
I wrote this just after the first time we had hung out. I had kissed her at 4:30 in the morning while Slowdive was playing in the background (I can't listen to this band anymore due to the personal emotional impact it delivers). I had been building up my courage all night to kiss her, and I finally did it. It was one of the sweetest, most romantic (at least to me) kisses I had ever had. She later kissed me the next day when I dropped her off. She filled me with just those two kisses such an immense longing, as I have never known. It all climaxed at that point. All my rational, cautious, intelligible observations (discipline, smarts, humour, fun, has her shit straight, kind, etc) regarding her as well as the strong emotions I felt for her crashed together and intertwined so beautifully and rose so high. No one has ever been as amazing as her, in my life.
------
In this humble abode I bide
I sacrifice my energy and time
Idling in this room of antiquities
All so I can merely see her again
So that when I look upon her with my eyes
Maybe she'll look back into mine...
My heart tumbles and twists and contorts
Then the next moment it goldenly soars
For within me rages the immortal battle
In which my hopes and fears clash and unravel
Across the convoluted pathways of my mind
------
I actually wrote this at my friend's house (see previous post), while lying on a couch early in the morning. Her house was a farmhouse, which qualifies as a "humble abode", and the room I was in was full of antiques. I had slept there overnight, merely so I could have another chance to see Gem again, before she took off. I was feeling rather anxious, as I wasn't sure if she was still interested in me (although, she was according to a little bird who had it straight from her). These anxieties clashed in quite the contrasted battle with the happiness from my strong feelings for her. This is expressed in the latter parts of the poem.
------
Whenever I'm with her
All I want to do is kiss her
Take her in my arms and call her mine
And whisper sweet nothings while falling into the earthen emerald depths of her eyes
------
A simpler, but still sweet poem. The description of her eyes as "earthen emeralds", as mentioned in a previous post, is the the basis for her alias "Gem", that I use on this blog. This I also believe I wrote in the room of antiquities.
------
Everytime you look at me
A euphoric zephyr warms my heart
And every time you look away
My heart returns to the icy dark
Because without you life feels stale
...And boring
...And obsolete
But life with you is mesmerizing
...And beautiful
...And complete
-------
I was on campus, walking between classes, and I spontaneously had a surge of emotions for her (perhaps I was texting her or something), so I whipped out my ipod, and wrote it down in a note. This poem simply shows how much of a difference it felt like she was making in my life. We had barely gotten anywhere, I had barely revealed my feelings to her (she knew I liked her, but definitely not this much), and I had already fallen this hard for her. I still can't really fathom it. I wasn't rebounding. I was extremely careful to not let myself get attached senselessly (via rationality and caution), but I came to feeling this strongly. It's fucked up, to put it bluntly.
Don't Mind Me...
...I'm just passing through, cataloging another chapter of my life...
Some stuff has happened since my last entry. It turns out that the girl I fell for hard, I fell for EXTREMELY hard. Genuine feelings, I'm led to believe, as I've never felt this strongly about anyone else (even my 2 year relation). To make matters worse, she told me she "didn't want to be in a relationship", (which could mean a multitude of things but that's not worth writing about) and so it was a "breakup" of sorts. I was tossed out of the void of relationship-to-be-but-pretty-much-a-relationship-but-not.
Anyhow, I don't want to talk about every little detail of what's happened here, as cataloging it will probably just make me mopy.
I've ranted time and time again about these details, and my getting over of "Gem", to my really amazing friend. I got to know her very well actually because of this ending with "Gem". She's actually a really awesome, unique, cool, helpful, kind, and inspiring individual and I'm glad to know her, and I'm so thankful for all the help she's given me in getting over Gem. I've told her time and again how much I owe her, but I don't think I can ever thank her enough. I'll just try my best to be a super good friend (which is an enjoyable thing in and of itself!).
Hmm, other random things in my life.
I'm paranoid of deodorant, yet I continue to use it. Recently, I've started taking multivitamins, and it has made me realize that, despite my super-uber-extraordinary-logic-based life, I'm a very irrational, superstitious, human person.
I got glasses! Seriously, it's ridiculous that I've been driving without them. I never realized how much I was endangering my friends!
I was about to list a bunch of other stuff, but just realized it's probably only interesting to me, and isn't really worthy of a chapter of my life section.
This is probably the crappiest blog entry on here, yet, but I feel I needed to update the current state of emotional affairs (depressed due to the loss of a particularly beautiful gem, but slowly working my way out of it), and where I'm at in life, so that if I look back on this, I'll realize how much happier (hopefully) I am at this time.
The statement in the previous bracket actually merits a bit of a discussion (perhaps I shouldn't have bracketed it, as it's not really that "unimportant"). I've never ever in my life, met a girl as impressive and perfect as the one I just met (Gem). How do I approach the future? Should I only go after those who I fall for as hard, if not harder? Or should I also remain open to those who I don't fall for as hard, but still develop some sort of crush on?
Some stuff has happened since my last entry. It turns out that the girl I fell for hard, I fell for EXTREMELY hard. Genuine feelings, I'm led to believe, as I've never felt this strongly about anyone else (even my 2 year relation). To make matters worse, she told me she "didn't want to be in a relationship", (which could mean a multitude of things but that's not worth writing about) and so it was a "breakup" of sorts. I was tossed out of the void of relationship-to-be-but-pretty-much-a-relationship-but-not.
Anyhow, I don't want to talk about every little detail of what's happened here, as cataloging it will probably just make me mopy.
I've ranted time and time again about these details, and my getting over of "Gem", to my really amazing friend. I got to know her very well actually because of this ending with "Gem". She's actually a really awesome, unique, cool, helpful, kind, and inspiring individual and I'm glad to know her, and I'm so thankful for all the help she's given me in getting over Gem. I've told her time and again how much I owe her, but I don't think I can ever thank her enough. I'll just try my best to be a super good friend (which is an enjoyable thing in and of itself!).
Hmm, other random things in my life.
I'm paranoid of deodorant, yet I continue to use it. Recently, I've started taking multivitamins, and it has made me realize that, despite my super-uber-extraordinary-logic-based life, I'm a very irrational, superstitious, human person.
I got glasses! Seriously, it's ridiculous that I've been driving without them. I never realized how much I was endangering my friends!
I was about to list a bunch of other stuff, but just realized it's probably only interesting to me, and isn't really worthy of a chapter of my life section.
This is probably the crappiest blog entry on here, yet, but I feel I needed to update the current state of emotional affairs (depressed due to the loss of a particularly beautiful gem, but slowly working my way out of it), and where I'm at in life, so that if I look back on this, I'll realize how much happier (hopefully) I am at this time.
The statement in the previous bracket actually merits a bit of a discussion (perhaps I shouldn't have bracketed it, as it's not really that "unimportant"). I've never ever in my life, met a girl as impressive and perfect as the one I just met (Gem). How do I approach the future? Should I only go after those who I fall for as hard, if not harder? Or should I also remain open to those who I don't fall for as hard, but still develop some sort of crush on?
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